Anita Blake Series first book: Guilty Pleasures (1993)
Most recent book: the series is still not over, even twenty years later
Author: Laurell K Hamilton (LKH)
Main characters: Anita Blake (protagonist), Jean Claude (vampire boyfriend), Nathaniel (were-leopard boyfriend), Micah (were-leopard boyfriend), Richard (werewolf boyfriend), and so on and so forth…
Rating: 1/5 stars. No, let’s make that 1/10 stars
The Anita Blake series follows an animator (someone paid to raise the dead) who works as an occasional detective, named Anita Blake. It is full of (sexy) vampires, (sexy) werewolves, (sexy) were-animals, and other sexy men. Oh and some mystery and crimes (and magic).
The first book was by far not the worst in the series. We are dropped off into the middle of a world we know nothing about, and are expected to follow what is going on. Almost as though the author isn’t conscious that she has readers. Huh. Anita starts off as a somewhat tough girl of a character, sticking to her guns. But this later turns into rudeness, bigotry, and all around arrogance. The plot is simplistic, holed, and predictable, and the prose is ugly. And the descriptions: God help me (and I’m an atheist)! I don’t give a shit about how much cleavage you’re showing with you leather gun holster panties! No, you don’t have to tell me about the location about everyone of your TEN guns and your TWENTY-THREE switch blade voodoo contraptions: we get it. (and stop making snide remarks between every paragraph)
As the series continue, every character that is actually interesting is pushed to the side line. And there are more and more stupid male cops that do nothing but fantasize about Anita’s boobs or whatever the fuck, and insult her. Every cop is a stupid misogynist, according to LKH.
Let’s talk about her flaws now. She’s arrogant, insulting, rude, bitchy, and overall very unpleasant to deal with. When I first read this book, I misinterpreted this for strong character. It only took me a few chapter to realize that no, she was just a total bitch. But, that being said, flaws are okay. They add to character, and at some point the character will learn from his or her flaws to grow into a better character, right? Not so in this book, no… it just doesn’t matter anymore, because is so worshiped that nobody even cares how she acts any more. Her “men” will just put up with it!
And her men… they either fit into the category of dominant brooding alpha male, sexy sex addict, or wuss. One of each? I can deal with that, but not a whole FUCKING HAREM!
Let’s talk about sex. Anita’s pussy is her greatest goddam weapon, it seems. No, Anita is a good little pure little Christian, she’s forced to have sex with everything that moves. The situation just demands that she gives the guy a handjob. The Ardeur forces her to have the libido of a stallion in heat. And it’s totally justified that she has sex with multiple partners (of course, her boyfriends aren’t allowed to have sex with anyone else, at least until one of the most recent books when JC and Asher have sex while she watches). There is no end to her list of fuck-buddies! Her sexual exploits just keep on getting more and more ridiculous!
Kid that’s ten years younger than she is? Sounds legit
Were-leopard in ANIMAL FORM? Doesn’t phase me…
Watching gay sex while being ‘spit-roasted’? Child’s play!
Orgy that lasts for THREE FUCKING DAYS? Psh! Amateurs…
Nothing is off-limits for her. Gay sex. Lesbian sex. Threesomes. Bestiality. Pedophilia. Group sex. Public sex. BDSM. Necrophilia.
Alone, I think it’s fine to include some of these elements. But when it’s all together, every other chapter, it’s just too much.
And now about Anita’s powers, which she apparently pulls out of her couchie… queen of the wereleopards (even though she’s not really a wereleopard), queen of the werewolves (even though she’s not really a werewolf), succubus (even though, like, who the fuck would be attracted to her?), necromancer (apparently that means she can control vampires too?), triumviate #1 (with the most powerful people ever), triumviate #2 (with some more intensely powerful people), every type of lycanthrope (without that inconvenient side-effect of turning into animals on the full moon)
She’s immortal. She’s indestructible. She can bench-press more than any other character. She’s the queen of leopards, wolves, and sex.
And every man loves her for it, and becomes her eternal sex slave.
And if they don’t, it’s because they’re evil, stupid, or bad
And women? For a supposedly feminist book, there don’t seem to be many worthwhile female characters. All other women are ugly, mortal, weak, superficial, psychopathic, evil, bitches. LKH doesn’t want her beloved fantasy representation of herself to have any actual competition when it comes to who is the hottest, sexiest, most powerful, character.
Overall…a giant piece of shit! Yes, she is shitting on our faces, and wiping it up with recycled toilet paper that she just used to wipe her own untalented ass.